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Monday, April 25, 2011

Love Accordingly

Words sting. 

I choke on hurt, anger rising.  Tears burn and I bite my own teeth, push it all down.

And I ruminate, imagining.  What would it be like to walk away?  To do life alone? 


It’s too hard, Lord.  It’s too hard to make it work.  Two broken people, bent on hurting one another.  Two of us that get to these places where we pass like ships in the night and our bitterness seeps through our skin and eyes and tongues into words and looks and thoughts that rip away at all that we have tried to build up, together.  We are both exhausted of this work and I wonder if this ministry costs us our marriage, if it will have been worth it.

There are days that I can’t remember why we do this.

(And maybe I shouldn’t put that out here… it’s my personal matter to attend to, but its reality, and what am I doing here unless its being real with all of you, exposing my heart that you might find yourself there, that we might heal and grow, together, friend?)

He and I choose to stop the words… no good can come of this.  But I have so much I want to say.  I have so many hurts to spill and expose and assign blame for, and when my mouth is shut, the injured feeling creeps up within me, surging steel cold through me, mind to heart to hands and feet and I will myself to stay put, to lift up desperate prayers and trust in a goodness that is bigger than me.




Stop all this.  You are MY bride,” The Jesus-whisper pursues and slows the heat.  
Live accordingly.  Love accordingly.”

I don’t always know how.  But I fill with Him and I breathe out the hurt and breathe in the hope and fall asleep spent.  And in the morning we sit side-by-side, the members of this imperfect marriage, and sip coffee and talk low about this and that and he sees through my quiet and leans in to kiss my cheek.  This is what forgiveness looks like, here and now.  My hurt has not left, not completely, but I take the gesture for what it is meant to be and hold on tight.  I know that this, this quiet forgiveness and listening to the tender whisper of His words… this is the goodness I am seeking.  This is the mark of a happy marriage and not, as I wish it to be, a life void of struggle.  



I choose, today, to thank Him for the wilderness, for hurt and for forgiveness, for cheek-kisses on hard days, for loving an imperfect bride and helping me love accordingly. 

 

9 comments:

  1. Praying for you I left this place a while back it does get better it is worth it."Love accordingly" thanks for reminding me.

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  2. Thanks for the read - I look forward to sharing in your journey as well :) Blessings.

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  3. Just have to share with you that i read this and connect. It was hard to feel this way over Easter Weekend. Truely I had a moment of revelation in reading your post I realized that we couples are all serving together.....apart.....just like my best friend the preacher's wife and her preacher husband. Mine is a business owner and serving.......and me with the last one at home, still serving, together and apart. I truely have to go to the Lord and be HIS bride. He makes all things new.........in time! This Season seems awfully long, I will admit. Sending you a prayer for your authenticity and that the "sore spots" as we like to call them are well and you feel a hug from your heavenly Groom and a kiss from your earthly one. XO

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  4. Thanks for sharing on my blog where you are... I know this wilderness place, walking as you are.

    I want to share one verse has helped me immensely, friend, I share it with you, maybe it will help you as it has helped me:

    "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all" @ Cor. 4:17

    When I couldn't see anything but the wilderness around me, and with uncertainties about my future, I clung to this verse, prayed it aloud, cried out to God, and it gave me tremendous hope.

    Praying for you, dear friend, as you continue to trust in a "goodness that is bigger than me", than any or all of us.

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  5. Reading your blog post was like reading a journal entry of my own life about five years ago. Pain. Loneliness. It seemed to go on and on.

    Now we are about to celebrate our 1st decade and we actually ENJOY each others' company. It feels like we have come out of a dark cave into the light.

    The change started when I stopped looking to my husband to make me happy. I recognized that my marriage was the method that God was using to conform me (and my husband) to the image of Christ. I started praising my husband for any little thing. Bit by bit, I tossed away every single grudge. I actually PRACTICED thinking good thoughts. (It is a discipline!) It was a long journey.

    Most important:PRAYER. "Let go and Let God."

    Hang in there. It is worth it. From reading your post, I can see you are on the right track! You CAN show your little ones how this is done.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I found your blog on Ann's blog & couldn't stop reading! You feel like such a "kindred spirit". I love how you write & share your heart, honestly.
    Praying for you, friend.
    I look forward to visiting often :)

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  7. found your blog off incourage and found your post today refreshing. I wish church would get off its "marriage is hard but make it look good" kick. it is time for realness and rawness so we realize that we are not as alone as we think we are in the darkness of our lonely, shared bedrooms - that there are others in the same heart places wondering the same "can I make it" questions...

    when we realize we are not alone is when we realize that it CAN be done. I wish I REALLY knew what it took for my grandparents to make it to 70 years...

    ReplyDelete
  8. Reading your blog post was like reading a journal entry of my own life about five years ago. Pain. Loneliness. It seemed to go on and on.

    Now we are about to celebrate our 1st decade and we actually ENJOY each others' company. It feels like we have come out of a dark cave into the light.

    The change started when I stopped looking to my husband to make me happy. I recognized that my marriage was the method that God was using to conform me (and my husband) to the image of Christ. I started praising my husband for any little thing. Bit by bit, I tossed away every single grudge. I actually PRACTICED thinking good thoughts. (It is a discipline!) It was a long journey.

    Most important:PRAYER. "Let go and Let God."

    Hang in there. It is worth it. From reading your post, I can see you are on the right track! You CAN show your little ones how this is done.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Just have to share with you that i read this and connect. It was hard to feel this way over Easter Weekend. Truely I had a moment of revelation in reading your post I realized that we couples are all serving together.....apart.....just like my best friend the preacher's wife and her preacher husband. Mine is a business owner and serving.......and me with the last one at home, still serving, together and apart. I truely have to go to the Lord and be HIS bride. He makes all things new.........in time! This Season seems awfully long, I will admit. Sending you a prayer for your authenticity and that the "sore spots" as we like to call them are well and you feel a hug from your heavenly Groom and a kiss from your earthly one. XO

    ReplyDelete

Your comments are such an encouragement. Thank you for sharing your valuable words.