My heart took a big tumble this week. It bounced around and
hit a few sharp corners. It is bruised and bleeding today still, pulse-tender
like blistered flesh burned on an electric stove. It is still on crutches
today, slathering itself in ointment and retreating to quiet spaces.
And I have a lot of thoughts to work out about what's behind
all the brokenness and what God has to do with any of it and what it means for
my understanding of The Church at large and my voice and my place in things. I don't
know quite how much of the pain is a result of my clumsy tendency to stand up
for unpopular injustice with a fierce spirit and too many words, and how much is
an answer to that prayer I pray in the dark… the scary, exciting, beautiful,
awful one. The one that goes, "Break my heart for what breaks yours."
But it's all tied together like a knotted necklace chain and
I'll have to untangle it later, after the ointment works its magic, after the
wincing has stopped.
Because I'm still slipping between raging indignation and quiet
tears. I'm still racing from corner to corner of my mixed-up mind, from the icy
shadows to the warmth of the sun.
Somewhere in the midst of this, truth and love and healing
will bring me back. They're already beginning to.
But what's saving my life this week are the soft places,
like the crook of my husband's arm…the first place I want to bury myself when
the hurt stings sharp and the brokenness weighs heavy and he listens, quietly,
and hears. Ryan is my safest place, the corner I retreat to when nothing
is sure in the world… when my thoughts about God and friendship and mothering
and church and work and life bury me in fear and doubt. And then he sits with
me, quiet, and I don't need to speak and he doesn't either, and it's love all
the same. Ryan is all I know about love on some days, because the way he does
it is really something worth taking notes on. He understands the value of
presence and his short words linger long when I'm tempted to ask
"Why?" What's saving my life today is gratitude for the man in my bed
who taught me all I'll ever know about staying.
What's saving my life today are the tiny miracles… picking
up the
right book at the right time, communities so full of grace and love that I
can't escape from Jesus love even when I try to retreat. What's saving me now is
that slowly, hour by hour, I'm reminded that there are others standing up for
the kind of love I believe in, people who aren't afraid to listen, to speak up
for the marginalized and the wounded, people whose stories and lifestyles make
a lot of people squirm. Fear brings out the ugly in some people, but intolerance
brings out the ugly in me. I'm working on it.
What's saving me now are people like Tammy and Lindsey and Annie
and Emily, praying and loving and sending me emails like grace with skin on all
through my day. What's saving me, as always, is wild, extravagant grace, and a Nazarene
whose love is making nothing in my world comfortable anymore and I suspect it's
exactly the way it's supposed to be.
When the heart breaks open because you prayed for it to
happen, because you know deep and raw that there's more than the moldable deity
you see in modern American culture, it will mess you up. I'm not all that sure
I even know what to make of it yet, or what it's going to mean for me, but I
know this. It's time to step into quiet for a few days (a week?), to tiptoe
away from social media and politics, from hot button issues and phone calls, to
quiet my fired-up soul, listen to the breeze that wraps around in an embrace, and
learn love from my kids again, the ones who I overhear in their bedroom in tiny
voices saying, "You are beautiful," and "I love you," and
"Jesus gave us to each other", because this is the love that washes
over and saves us all, the love that is worth stopping and smelling and tasting
and grasping with all our grip on the tender, unsure days.
So, friends, thank you for grace as I slip quietly away from
this space for a few days to read and bake and pray and paint and swing and
slide and laugh and sing and be still.
I promise I'm okay… really, truly. Quite full of joy and
peace today after the fog of hurt is lifting and just being mindful that this
is a place I need to linger for a beat, a pause to usher in Fall and learn a
few things about the nature of love and experiencing God. A sorta-kinda spiritual
retreat, if you will, a chance to untangle.
Love, love, love.
Be back soon.
Rest...receive...soak...splash...in all the grace and time you need. I love you so much and thank God every time I remember you....you are MORE than you know cause HE is filling you with a greater portion of Him.
ReplyDeleteI love you!
Just spent a little time here getting lost. I forget how much I like your voice.
ReplyDeleteSending peace, love, and compassion your way.
ReplyDeletewishing you a healing, rejuvenating, inspiring, restful, hopeful journey of untangling. we'll be here with you when you get back to hear what you've discovered. i'm glad you have the self awareness to know when you need to step back -- that's really beautiful!
ReplyDeletePraying this time will fill you with peace and contentment. As you walk in His truth, He will make the way for you.
ReplyDeleteCara Sexton, I love what Jesus is doing in you and I can't wait for it to trickle down to us in your words.
ReplyDelete