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Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Inglorious Things

I feel the need to apologize for my last post. The one where I ranted a bit and complained a lot about what is really a privilege – the daily drudge of life with so many little people, the rundown of love when it gets hard…

And it does get hard.

There are days like those.

There are also other kinds of days, like ones with giggles and 2-hour naps. There are beautiful treasures like the number of times a day they all hug each other and say, "I love you," and pray in unison with miniature whisper voices. There are enough peanut butter sandwiches to go around and when he thinks I can't hear him, my boy tells Little M that she looks beautiful today. There are days like today where my broken car gets fixed by someone willing to give up their evening to help us out, where a phone conference brings our adoption one big step closer, where we hear the quiet voice of our boy in Texas on the other line and have hope that we may hold him close within 60 short days. 

If this practice has shown me anything about myself, it's the depth of selfishness I'm still learning to let go of. It's that I sometimes think I have a right to complain about the hard things just because it makes me feel better when I do. I want to tell the truth and tell it whole, and the rest of the story is that there is always, always redemption at the other side of those tearful moments. He is always only working out the kinks in my selfish heart the way a baker kneads air bubbles out of the dough.  

I can gripe and wax poetic about inglorious things, but then I am brought back to earth, where God humbles me in a visit center lobby, where a mixed-up mama with a Tattoo Jesus wraps her arm around me and tells me thank you for loving her babies, for caring for them so well, when I'd thought judgy thoughts about her moments before. A woman I'd withheld forgiveness from reaches across the divide and reminds me what love looks like and I recall what it is I'm trying to do here… just. love. And that means loving her, too, and the Texas caseworkers I've been so angry at for making the adoption harder, and my husband when he doesn't respond the way I'd like him to.

Because Love loves anyway, and not just in words.

This week, I've been stressed. I've been busy and sore and broken down on the side of the road in 102 degree weather with four babies that had to pee. I've been short with my husband and annoyed by life, and I've chosen sin out loud and over and over, knowing full well what I was doing. I appreciate your words and kindnesses, but I am not a saint. I am impatient and often irresponsible and I secretly believe I should have control over my world. He knew I would do this Christ-like-loving thing poorly some days, and He gives me an extra measure again and again so I will see how.

If the woman with the Tattoo Jesus can love like He does, maybe there's hope for me. These babies are a right step in learning, I know. And our boy in Texas, too. And the freckle-faced children of my womb, my very beating heart in three little blonde bodies. And you. And her. And them.

This is the fruit of these days that pass slow and too quickly all at once. Seeing the bruises and worms I carry and peeling them away, dissecting my heart like the carving away of soft spots on a peach to make it sweet and  imperfect…nourishing…delicious…and redeemed.


  1. This is so well put! The hard and the wonderful go hand in hand so often don't they. I can relate so much to your description of choosing sin out loud over and over. Keep going, Jesus delights in you as you delight in your little ones. Xxx

  2. you know its not always easy to come back and humbly say these things....life is hard at times...and def harder at others....sounds like a rough week surely...none of us is perfect and all of us are that peach being carved....

  3. You have summarized my week, as well as my attitude.
    And your rebuke lands a faithful blow on a listening ear.
    Funny how there are so many who think that they have many empty hours, they want to fill with something, but I find myself complaining of the opposite: too many crammed-full hours, wanting some empty.
    Perhaps we're *both* missing life at its best -- wishing away what has been given.

  4. Love. It's all just life, and real, and learning along the way.

  5. You have a way of putting to words what is in each of our hearts. The desire to love perfectly and yet choosing time and time again not too. I resonate with your sentence "I secretly believe I should have control over my world." This is something that's hit me full force in recent weeks. I know the right words to say, but deep down I really do want to be able to do it on my own. But that's not how God made us. He made us chipped and broken and NEEDING His loving repair. Thank you for pouring out honest truth in your posts. Love you girl. =)

  6. Although I would never want to diminish God's work in your heart (He is showing you what is really there), I didn't get the impression that you were complaining. You shared a very real struggle that we can all relate to. The struggle to love like Christ. I too, have sometimes felt like I was too focused on negative aspects of my life...to the exclusion of all the good...but I also understand the difficulty of covering every aspect in one post. I think it must be possible to share the struggles without complaining. May God show us the way. Blessings!


Your comments are such an encouragement. Thank you for sharing your valuable words.