A Hole in My Wholeness

Five Minute Friday:  "Whole".

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GO

I used to be whole.  I know what it looks like.  I’m aware of the source.

And yet.

I chase wholeness down with good deeds, commitments, conversations.  Pursue it with perfection-set eyes, just so very sure that if I was only good enough, I would be whole again.

All the while, there is a hole in my wholeness.

And in all my chasing down goodness, the hole widens and looms, gaping, and my tennis shoes scuff the edge as I brace and try not to fall in to the chasm between my goodness and His goodness – the hole that leads down the rabbit hole, into the unknown, into the giving up of all I ever thought I knew.

(I seem to be channeling Lewis Carroll these days, but I digress.) 

Goodness is not wholeness.

And man, how I have gotten it confused.

So my shoes toe closer to that widening pit and I peer down into the black and spin around, then throw my arms wide and…

…freefall…

Into my own imperfection.  Into the unknown.  Into the gap of all I cannot and never will be in control of. 

I freefall into grace.

In the hole where I can be made whole.  In the vast wide hole of faith and trust and stretching arms and heart wide open to receive what I can never do and never be and never give without Him.

Grace.

Big and wide and long and deep.

Crazy, extravagant, stunning, radiant grace.

And in this gap where the grace rains down, I am filled to the measure of all the fullness of God (Ephesians 3:18).  And my goodness floods in the light of His goodness and I can take a breath and stop striving for anything I can do in my own strength.  The grace…just…floods.  And this is what it means to be whole. 

STOP